My mom just drunkenly told me i was conceived in the back of a car, at a Bon Jovi concert.
She has an incinerator in her basement. Have you ever incinerated used condoms?
Lmao what?
It's a yes or no question.
i'm lost and i look like a hooker
Okay, lets just agree to keep all cutlery related activities to a minimum.
In the middle of getting a blow job, she looked up at me and said "this isn't the first time I've done this today"
Gina was bawling her eyes out and then she ran into the street and peed. she kept screaming "LOOK WHAT YOUVE DONE TO ME"
Wors thing about having a cop dad: random drug testing
Found my id. It was in the cats litter box. Seriously what was last night.
I found a playlist on my ipod with only one song on it: gold digger. confused, but not surprised.
guy at the bar just asked how many cows we have on our land, then proceeds to ask me out. you know your from the country when....
I'm about to order this penis-casting kit so text me within 5 mins if you're not down
I mean, if there was a version of you with a penis, you'd fuck it...right? Like just outta curiosity at least
He was standing in the living room wearing a Donald Trump wig and looking very disappointed
You left your Xanax bottle in my car. Why is the label all smudged?
I spilled wine on it.
Just sold my panties for 40 bucks to some rando dude at the gay bar. I think I found a way to fund next years spring break trip. Hello cancun!
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