If Jon and Kate can get divorced...how hard can it be for me?
my mom found me this morning spread out like jesus sleeping on the living room floor. i had a piece of bread over my eyes to block the light out
Nicee. Atleast your phone doesn't change pen in to PENISsSSSSSSS like mine does
The bartender just asked me if I owned stock in Jameson. I've been here for less than an hour and he's already judging me.
I'm not a home wrecker but if one more married man with a yacht asks me to go scuba diving I'm NOT saying no
the guy sitting next to me at the bar has a patrick swayze tattoo hovering over a roast beef sandwich. 'merica.
My ideal friend would be my dog as a drug dealer
I was gonna start crying but as he was asking me for my info i saw him eyeing my rack. So I sorta started pushing them together. He asked me to get out of the car he made me turn around so he could check me out and then he said and I quote "okay ma'am. Everything is fine, I'm going to let you off with a warning. Next time if you're not wearing yoga pants you might not be as lucky" I am blessed.
11/10 would buy him a McLobster
He told me he needed "space" but then goes and likes my insta of panacakes.. Done.
I think it's getting serious, we started a jigsaw puzzle together.
Sorry I've been a slutty nightmare this week
I am so horny. It's like all the stress of finals week has relocated to my vagina.
This past week everybody of fb either got rings or semen. All I got was Covid.
I did not marry a roomba.
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