Every time we have sex I can't stop thinking about Jesus
names aren't important. just tell him all you want is a lil make out sesh and keep it moving.
They're sharing a mixed drink at a bar with straws...its like a disney movie with booze
I feel like now would be a good time to apologize for vomiting in your eye
You might have crossed the line by jerking off while she was in the bathroom taking a prego test. Just saying
I cried at the bouncer while saying I wished he was my father... They had no idea what to do with me.
She's dressed as a slutty goth schoolgirl. Those are my three favorite things. God himself could not give me whiskey dick.
Woke up to a sex noise notice under my door...he gets a A+ for proformance and ill be seeing him again.
It's cosmic balancing. My vagina is an instrument of karmic retribution.
The only people who will bring me pizza or tacos want a commitment and I'm hungry for food not their love.
he offered me cocaine within 5 minutes of my arrival. yes of course i'm keeping him
Apparently today is power bottom appreciation day
I butt dialed her mom while cheating on her. Needless to say Christmas will be awkward.
wow wtf man i was the friend bailing you out of jail with 500 cash and you didnt have the common courtesy of waking me up for class when i passed out drunk and naked in the bath tub
Let me call you later. I’m lining up some office dick now that working at home is ending
Randomize
