Come home. Power Hour by yourself is only fun for the first 10 minutes.
Two hours into move in day and the ambulance is here already.
So it turns out my dad calls his penis "John" which means he either named me after his penis or his penis after me
He's just a really nice guy who stuck his tongue in the wrong place.
I would lick a homeless mans crack teeth for a cup of coffee right now.
Ten minute nap on a staircase honey badger don't care
I love you. Mom got to wasted at the wedding that she threw up on my shirt.
Guess who was PASSED OUT ON A BMW. I shit you not
Stop it right now
This time face forward
By cross-referencing our messages & her Twitter feed, I've deduced that she was eating spaghetti the whole time we were sexting.
Dad got stoned the other day and bought us potty training seats for when we have children
I don't know what to do with my life other than going on Reddit and watching porn.
My sister's exploding appendix just cock blocked me...
The stall at this bar had mirrors all around. I just looked at myself take a shit from like 3 different angles
Casually blacked out last night and apparently told him he couldn't come back to bed until he got me Taco Bell.
I sprayed his whole room with my perfume and left lots of my hair on the bed. So now if he does bring her home, the bitch will know this territory is marked.
Everything is scary i hate being an adult i hate responsibility tell me a dick joke
Randomize
