I just poured my flask into a drink. Then I realized the drink belonged to the guy next to me so I stole it from him. He confronted me and I made out with him to distract him. When I looked up, I realized his wife was watching. Its barely 10:00.
So I went into my gym pretty wasted and asked the trainer guy if i could order a cock meat sandwich. Needless to say, I'm canceling my membership tomorrow.
he started yelling "squirt for me" then his girlfriend knocked on the door and told us to keep it down
i'm not really understanding how she couldn't figure out it was him
For a whole 2 minutes you were convinced you were talking to my voicemail
Just took my first sake bomb. I love japan
I feel like I would bang a guy with a dick piercing just to say I have...like climbing a huge mountain or somethig
I don't know where my bra went.
Welll you ran into the street, took it off and yelled "I'm a free woman!". And then you threw it at some homeless guy.
if she didnt wantt to be febrezed, she shouldnt have smelled so desperate.
His best friend's cat died so we had a drunken burial ceremony on the side of his condo at 2am and I'm pretty sure if anyone gets ahold of the video feed from Martini Monday we're all fired.
I was gonna tell her, but there were too many tongues in my mouth
You tried to pay for our cab with the 2 dollars you got from selling your natty ice outside the strip club.
As soon as he came we went to Dairy Queen. That drive through lady was very condescending about our "just fucked" ice cream.
I don't think you understand what laundry day means. I am wearing a swimsuit as underwear and my spanish club tshirt from junior high
You ripped his router out of the wall and screamed "I have defeated the matrix"
Alcohol and I aren't friends right now.
Randomize
