I really wish i had a penis so i could dick slap that bitch right now
I had to use the resin knife to take the staples out of my tax return forms. Tax returns and a search warrant?
it will be an insanely irresponsible summer.the only things i plan on not doing are dying and getting pregnant.and even those are negotiable
The strip club called, they have your shoe.
I know. He gave me a hug and i was like jesus i can just feel the std through your sweatshirt
It felt like Party Santa dropped by and gave us two more 18-packs.
Apparently, "please don't I have to be in court tomorrow" is not a valid excuse for a girl to abstain from giving a massive hickey.
Those were some damn good pancakes you made last night.
Dude I've been in FL since Monday.
I wanted to make out with that blonde just so I could deck her boyfriend and make things interesting.
At least that would be something.
I told him we could use my stove to make weed brownies, from that point on he kept reffering to me as "best pledge ever"
I'm definitely not at Wal-Mart eating jalapeno poppers with an elevated blood alcohol content
If you magically turned into a tall white gay guy, ignore this message. If not, then I'm sure someone has your fb password.
But I'm currently thinking of all my bad decision making last night and giving myself a time out.
NO HE PUT HIS HAND IN HIS PANTS BEFORE HE TOUCHED THE BONG.
ILLEGAL
Come by so you can take a pregnancy test with me. It's like my monthly ritual!
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