Come here. I'm drunk. Family Function. Intense Pro-life vs. Pro-choice debate. Bring Republicans.
So i think we're being coned into a threesome with the promise of pokemon
Is it sad that when she told me he has a small peen I felt like it made us more compatible?
Forgot to mention there might be a picture of me being thrown in the air while at a Mexican restaurant
You've thrown off my entire schedule. Usually SATURDAYS are my "try to hide the jizz on my leggings" days
Rick just drank rum out of a dog bowl after a dog already drank out of it.
Banana suit guy has an entourage and they're all douchebags. There is no god.
Aaaand the winner of the worst decision of Sunday night goes to me as I pull up to his house in my lingerie.
I'm going to avoid eye contact because my old high school English teacher is not who I feel like seeing after I just had a dick in my mouth
Please don't call my dad a fuckpuppet, I feel like that would be awkward to explain later.
I know it's my dream I got hurt enough to leave work but not hurt enough to stop drinking
You had sex with a Scottish dude with a peg leg....how could I NOT tell that story??
Dear sober self, your keys are on the table in front of you the only way your typing this is with autocorrect goodnight love you
Never in my life have I seen a grown ass man get on all fours and attempt to buttfuck himself with the leg of a chair. I love Vegas!
i woke up on the couch at 5:24am, hangover, craving for some ribs, but i only had a bag of cheetos and a half empty beer. man what a breakfast.
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