I just jerked it to the same porn two nights in a row... and she says I have problems with commitment...
i miss you and i wish you were peeing between my legs right now. in a platonic way
I have fb friend requests from two random swedish brothers... Must have something to do with that hostel I stumbled into on mardi gras
how are you gonna miss the world cup? other than the olympics it's our last way to assert our dominance over China after this economic bull shit
It's like trying to pry an octopus off you. Except the octopus speaks English and can get drunk.
Come to me. Jacob is confessing his love and all I want is a hot dog. With chili. Not love.
Taking shots with an iv of fluids in, because I work tomorrow. That's responsibility. Employee of the month right here.
Judge me all you want, but while you are stuck at home eating Ramen and tap water, I will be dining with some guy who, although might be the same age as my father, is filthy rich.
What does puking wasabi feel like?
Like snorting cocaine backwards.
I can't believe she made out with my 15 year old brother. That kid can seriously pull.
Just saw Santa sitting on a restaurant patio drinking beer and using his free hand to gesture to cars that he's watching them
You said dick pics aren't attractive
Random ones, from strangers, no. But a beautiful penis I know and love, absolutely :3
He wore the same cologne as my orthodontist so all I could think about was how I hadn't worn my retainer in months
whatever. i just wanna get "forget my own name" wasted
no. you need to know your name so people know where to return you when you get lost.
who gets drunk at chipotle by noon and then gets kicked out? this chick.
Randomize
