got arrested for "breaking and entering" last night when i supposedly went into the wrong house made a sandwich and tried jerking off to porn on the tv...the cops told me they came in while my dick was out...oh and i missed work this morning and got fired
Just tried my new showerhead. Sex with Brian will never be the same.
im vomiting on the 4th floor cause no one knows me there
THERE IS THE SEXIEST BEARDED MAN HERE. I CAME EVERYWHERE.
What's the over under on catching something from your sister?
If I had to summarise my weekend I would do so using the words "horrifying romanian moonshine"
He just grabbed my boob and justified it by saying "I just wanna feel your heart beat"
Shame?!? Shame only comes from getting naked in front of strangers and it not being awesome
My cousin is passed out in my room, so I just masturbated in my walk-in closet. Apparently I get off on danger. Make note of that.
He's hot and has an accent therefore you don't ask questions when he tells you to take your pants off.
This morning I woke up in the entrance of a retirement home. Memory fragments from last night: making it rain with the contents of my wallet over the bridge, getting hit by a car, and a lot of running.
Let's be honest, I'm cooking chicken nuggets in my Helm jersey and underwear who has their life more together than me?
Accidentally made a bowl of macaroni and cheese with a bottle of vodka. It's not that bad
You’ll lick BBQ off my cock but no ketchup on a hotdog?
It's National Whipped Cream Day, prep those nips
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