i get turned down more than a collar. where are the desperate bitches i need to crawl to them
Strawberries are so good its weird that food is growable
We even fucked WHILE he was making me breakfast in bed.
everytime he calls himself the maxipad master i can't help but wonder what costume that would involve.
im in an endless cycle of being too hung over to eat all day...then getting too drunk because i didnt eat anything. where is my life going?
Learn some fucking English or leave me alone! "Your" is for something that belongs to you, like 'your herpes'. And "you're" is a contraction for "you are", like "you're not sleeping with me".
I'm pretty sure whiskey overrules bulimia in the eyes of Texas boys
What's the most polite way to say "Congrats on losing weight, but no one is happy your boobs got smaller."
Thoughts of banging the girl who just opened my beer with her teeth?
Bro what are you doing Thursday the day before I go to jail??
Just do let me go home with anyone especially I a guy with a hair sweater
I just wanna say I did some math and I lasted 1,052,000 more minutes than you at the bar before I got kicked out. That's 729 days. Bitch
You know you're too high when you find yourself crying at " hand in my pocket" by Alanis Morissette because it's "just TOO REAL"
do you think your dog feels awkward being in the background of your nudes?
When I went to pick up Adam from the train station, I found him passed out, covered in gold paint and wrapped in a red blanket. someone had glued a gaudy green rhinestone to his forehead. He looked homeless.
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