You know how britney does the hair flip too much in her new videos? Thats me right now
that drag queen yelled at him and touched me to make him jealous and said things like this is what a real man feels like. it was a thrill.
You passed out in the bathroom with the door locked. Had to take a shit in your litter box. Don't worry, your cat buried it for me.
Just found a "how to get laid" book on the dresser and am now a victim of method number 16 corollary 7.
He turned down jacuzzi sex. He cares more about my vagina than i do.
how did we start talking about space blow jobs?
i accidentally sent all my draft messages..how do i do damage control for the multiple "fuck me now" type msgs sent at ten am?
I did my walk of shame through a safeway at 8am to get YOUR hangover bagels. You're welcome asshole
He was gunna drive a half hour for a makeout sesh. Time to take the diapers off and learn about the wonders of the penis, dude
don't judge but I think I'm gonna go fuck a dad this weekend
He caught a Pokemon on my head while I sucked him off. I think I need to marry him.
look, bitch. one day when everyone i care about deserts me for my severe moral depravity, you're going to be the only one i have.
i can't wait.
So not only did I get laid today but I also left with a 42” tv lol
I should have known when she mixed malibu and V8. It smelled just like tanning oil and when she drank it she said "Oh well, not the first time."
Double high-fived his wife and her sister on the way out. If I'm not the best mistress ever tell me how.
Randomize
