woke up in my one night stand's bed and barfed all over her floor. she came back from the bathroom, looked at the vomit, looked at me and said "normally i'd tell you to clean it and get the fuck out, but i remember the sex was good, so i'll let it go." Score.
My dad just questioned my drinking habits... Clearly he doesn't know what kind of college education he's paying for
you cant keep talent like that locked up in a relationship
I'm sorry for throwing the cheese everywhere, but it wasn't my fault. No one was enforcing disipline so not really my fault for not behaving
I ended up staying at a police station for being a witness in a public masturbation case..NOW do you believe me that I've never had a good St. Patrick's Day?
I want to be the sort of person he can respect in the morning once the drugs wear off.
i think the last part kind of negates the first part there
You wanna know how bad I feel? I couldn't get out of bed to get the remote, so I just downloaded the comcast app on my phone so I could change the channels
Remember that time you puked in a beer pong cup while someone else was playing?
that happened
I'm a professor! I can't be caught chasing the liquor with you hooligans once the undergrads have seen my face
That makes 14 Xmas cards already! Middle aged people are really nice to their dealers.
we just talked about our morning and what we were doing for the day and he handed me the addies and i took $50 out of my bra in front of a bunch of frat guys. so the mornings going really well
his ex girlfriend sent him a pic of her naked in the bathtub so I sent her a pic of me sucking his dick
I just spent 3 hours in the back of an unmarked police cruiser. Best. Date. Ever.
Is using La Croix as a mixer for vodka a legit way to reach my daily water consumption?
Once again, your first date sounds like something of an epic. Odysseus' Quest for Fourth Base.
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