You drink too much
No, I drink just the right amount - too often.
At what point did I decide it would be a good idea to fill my contact case with vodka
my mom walked in on me smoking weed alone, listening to the eagles, and just staring at the river. she totally knew.
So I'm really hungover walking to work and these douches from comcast on bikes ask if they can take a picture with me to show that they're doing their job. The picture: me, this chick from comcast, i'm holding a 2 ft. pixie stick, a comcast flyer and i'm puking in the parking lot. sounds like their doing a good job!
I probably should have cut it off when he started putting queso on my nipples, but within ten minutes I was a self-serve burrito bar.
The other night after we fucked we talked about Lowe's vision insurance. Never fuck a coworker.
Got a stripper to howl at my wolf shirt.
She was really fucking loud. My neighbors definetly knew my name...
Was I really yelling "girls night" at random chicks before stealing and drinking all their shots?
I have bite marks all over my ass. Is that an acceptable excuse for missing class?
Also, my old intern Lizzie whom you fed pizza to last night wants to hang out with you
Nothing like a near-death experience to start off your Thanksgiving...
the fact you finally accept your bi don't shock me but as your fuck buddy I expect you girls to go family style on me
This night could easily degenerate into a drunken haze of strippers and gambling, but I need a support network.
I am become drunk, destroyer of all worlds
Randomize
