I want to be a jewelry store heckler. "Hey man, is she really worth it"
can you blame him?
i blame him for everything, HE GOT ME PREGNANT
I should have some sort of frequent buyer card or something. I just bought my third bottle of Captain this week. It's Wednesday.
Mom just apologized for her lack of a gag reflex not being genetic.
basically theres shrimp everywhere. splattered on the walls, in the carpet, its bad. ohh theyre never gonna get the smell out.
He panicked, you ducked and I was coming off a 3 day coke binge. It was no one's shining moment.
And I'm ok with his balls touching my ass
Well if all fails we can always become surrogate mothers. I hear that pays well.
You have not lived until you have drunkenly grinded on your mother. Daughter of the year right here.
Is it bad that I feel proud to be the first one to puke in the apartment? And I did it in style?
You straight up painted the counter with steak, tequila and beer. You owe me a knew toothbrush.
My bank account got hacked so he showed up with a 6 pack wearing a superman cape to cheer me up and you question why I love him?
Also, totally got laid in my yellow rubber boots and it was awesome.
Who would you rather hang with tonight, drunk me or high me?
I was going to be upset with you on moral grounds but then i realized free chocolate was involved
if anyone breaks out the olive oil & slip n slide, text me 911.
Randomize
