I just want to apologize for screaming when I saw you the other day. It's just that you looked really gross and I was high.
she said my body looked tiny like it was a bad thing and then didn't even mention how great my tits look. it's like we're not even friends.
It got a little outta hand when you wanted to do body shots on the table.. at Dennys.. at 4 AM.. with lemonade
Definitely want to eloquently cunt punt those bitches thru the field goals of life.
"I wasn't planning on buying a chicken, but I bought it anyway." --some guy on the bus with a chicken
"Yeah, I only have nine toes." --that same guy
Is it frowned upon to puke at Keeneland while you're betting on horses or is it just whatev
I've counted four places at work I need to get laid in. Come help me accomplish this.
Hey, I'm your guy
I think I may have just taught my whole hall how to give a good blow job. So this is college.
he gave me a flinstones gummy vitamin and was like, "ya know.. because of ebola."
Is it sad or funny that I just bought two pregnancy test at the dollar store to give away to people on New Year's Eve while driving for Uber.
It all started with a game of naked twister.
I'll explain later but I just had to legally commit to abstinence for the next 4 months
He started me on Celexa. I think I feel like Bjork. Is that normal?
Like... my feet feel like little octopuses, and they want to swim to the next room.
I am eating croutons on my bathroom floor. Are you happy?!
I’m not lawful evil! I do evil things because I want to, not because of the law
Randomize
