i caught a guy at work today stealing condoms. i let him go when i realized that they were extra small.
She went to the bathroom before i broke up with her so i changed all 2500 of her songs on her computer to "I'm a cheating whore"
in a garage, wearing a toga, theyre debating the logistics of Coke Pong. If I don't make it out of here... it was me who stole your Barbie in the 4th grade- I've never forgiven myself.
Hurricane Sex Time is the only thing iv said since it started.
How many beers are too many "cause it's Archer Thursday" beers?
Also while I am being the bigger person I plan on bringing over something strong smelling and/or alcoholic to torture the poor hungover bastard
He told me I was the only person he wanted to fuck in his rental mini van. Thats so romantic for a fuck buddy relationship.
I built a fence. For the bunnies we're going to adopt. I'll fill you in when you get home.
Btw. Being a stripper for a week without anyone knowing to pay off my school loan is no longer in my agenda.
Not great. "Leave the toilet seat down, it gives me somewhere to rest my face."
Apparently I thanked the paramedics over and over again for saving the "happy new year" beads that I was wearing
i walked into her house and she introduced me to her family. i dont think she understands the term booty call
i literally have the attention span of a weasel on steroids, but yeah, i know who you’re talking about.
We should form a club for all of us that have stabbed a sibling with a fork!
I literally blew him under my face mask. Not because I thought it'd protect me from COVID, but because I wanted to prove to myself that I could.
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