I had a fork in my beer hand and just stabbed my tongue.
i just remembered that i beat off next to you while we were naked and passed out next to each other after last night... No Homo
I realized courtney is my jiminy cricket but instead of preventing me from telling lies she prevents me from fucking strangers
So gin and wine won't be happening again
Somebody spraypainted a transformers head on a transformer box..my life is complete
Also, I once came to the conclusion after this one boy, that her pleasure condoms are a college boys version of flowers
I dare you try and top an Eiffel tower full of Margarita
I have reverted to folding laundry while watching porn. how much sadder can my life get?
Hey my vagina is like a company. Everyone has an equal opportunity....
The plane down was full of newly weds and I counted 5 pairs of mile high club members. Actually, one might have been a group membership discount.
I just cut open the plastic package of a Plan B pill using the bottle opener I carry in my purse. #whyidrink
Stop confusing me with every girl you know that doesn't like sex.
i'm sitting in bed scratching my boobs and wearing a sparkly fedora and have no one to blame but myself
We're both fucking guys named Frank. Our friendship was meant to be.
that blonde bartender and I racked up an impressive mini bar bill last night
Mini bar? Did you get a hotel room?
Yeah, the last thing I need right now is a chick with an insane clown posse tattoo knowing where I live
That’s legit
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