So drunk its hurt
are you looking for your table cloth? Cause I found it around my neck this morning...
Black Friday shoppers are ridiculous. I think I just watched a marriage end.
For some reason, my father is not responding to the 5 texts I sent him that all read: "Dad dad dad dad dad dddaadd dddddaaaaaaaaad dad".
She just got in car wreck. Wreck sex is better than break up sex
just stole 2 cases of forties from some freshman in the woods by pretending to be a cop. that ten dollar spotlight is really turning a profit
I'm functioning at the level of a challenged walrus.
Nurse helped me count all my sexual partners and still gave me her phone number. She shall be #73.
There's a lady lying down on the sidewalk in front of our building smoking a cig
I got you a "sorry you think I'm pregnant" present
Halloween: the only night of the year wheee the more high I get, the more it compliments my makeup and outfit.
Tony's mom to him at breakfast: "I found the shirt you wore last night in the bushes this morning."
I literally wonder, frequently, "Will anyone ever fuck me until i go cross eyed for 2 hours again?''
Our sub is singing "i believe i can fly" after yelling at the class this whole time and this is really hella weird
Rule number 1 of dorm living: do not forget your butt plug in the bathroom.
Randomize
