my mouth tastes like poor choices
i woke up with my moms heels on underneath your couch cushions
you want 1 or 2 eggos?
I can't tell whether I'm throwing up blood or licorice.
you kept falling over in mid-conversation and you just got right back up as if nothing happened...
I'm watching the Australian Open. They need to slow the fuck down. It's hard enough to follow sober and now it's just pissing me off.
just balanced a champagne glass on my gut. thanks to beer im a living breathing tempur-pedic mattress.
Just bought two budlight beers with a can of tuna at the bar
come in to starbucks and ill make you a 4loko latte before theyre banned
I slept with a married guy last night and then broke my toe on the doorframe on the way out. I've never seen karma work so fast.
She puked her nose ring out of her face.
I'll remember. Also, I owe you 200 for a pair of shoes that I carelessly bought to improve my spinal structure, to improve my health and ensure that I love to be 300 years old. Like Adam. Of the bible.
Why were you not born a dude?
Because god wanted to level the playing field
How I know we're old. Don knows the owner. The owner said 'How about some shots?' We said no thanks. He looked puzzled and came back later and said 'You know it's on the house?' We said 'Yeah, no thanks.'
We are all done wearing pants today
I’m pretty sure I have teeth marks on my neck
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