i bet jesus would rush if he went to usc
Awkward interaction of the day: Staring at some guy trying out if he is or is not the guy that woke me up yesterday by getting arrested in front of my apartment.
And then I saw the naval officer and gave up that whole new leaf thing
when she started singing "you look better when im drunk" to my cat i realized it was time to take her home
Next year we will be 30 and no more shots during the week.
Want to get together for a boner voyage before you leave?
He bought segways. We ride them when we get drunk. Last night he ran through the sliding glass door.
he may or may not have motorboated me on the steps of the library of congress
Only I could go on a date with one guy, have a beer with a different guy and go home with the guy im trying to avoid. I have a talent or a problem.
I was just trying to be a good friend but in retrospect I probably shouldn't have pepper sprayed you.
To be fair I went my whole first week without showing up to work drunk!
i just want to get drunk and cry and have sex with lots of men
I just woke up on the floor with an empty handle in one hand and a piece of my ceiling in the other. #classy
He made me come so hard I punched another hole in the wall mid orgasm.
I'm not fixing this one for you. Do it your own damn self.
So there we are, fucking beneath the Christmas tree and I glance up and see one of the local Jehovah's witnesses staring in horror through the decorative glass in the front door. I'm so proud of us.
Randomize
