I seriously wish I was FB friends with her
So I thought I was slick leaving his room this morning all incognito. Little did I know I was wearing his football jersey with his name across the back... stilettos & my bra was left behind. never seeing that again
She always manages to outslut me. I can't keep up
I stayed at the bar and helped clean up cause I was told I'd get free shots. Didn't happen.
Mmmhmmm sure, nice try, but there's certain wounds that only bj's can heal
I threw up sweet potatoes. Worst thing to throw up ever. They came back mashed.
thank god we only have to drink eggnog and rum once a year. It taste like shit.
I'm high. Everything has a 45° angle. That is as far as my eyes open
Today is all about not throwing up, where the fuck are my keys and does anyone know what happened to that guy in the panda suit my roommate had sex with last night.
I got stoned and explored ice caves with a guy who photographs dildos for a living. I win.
I mean if you can't appreciate a good looking dick then just get out.
I just got a text giving me an hour window for when my vibrator is gonna be delivered. If that's not awesome customer service, I don't know what is.
I love him about as much as I'd love fucking myself with a cactus.
this morning's inventory: a top hat, two empty bottles of everclear, half a slim jim, cigars, tiara, pot necklace, and some fishnets. and that's just my purse.
He texted me at 4:30 in the morning saying "I'm not drunk but I think you're beautiful" and then a facebook message at 6 am saying "hi" and the subject was "oh"
Randomize
