im about as happy as oj after his trial
At least you're going to bed with all the teeth you woke up with
You kept buying everyone Washington apple shots, and telling us we needed to support local produce.
Ur keys r in ur purse. ur purse is on the couch. ur cigs r on ur front seat. u drank all ur wine. mollie took ur jkt bc u cockblocked her. and in case anyone asks, the saints won 31-17.
It's only slutty when someone else does it. It's okay if it's us though
note to self: an IV pole is no substitute for a stripper pole. Written it on my ankle cast.
I made friends with the delivery guy because he had beautiful dread locks and was a Zelda fan. He texted me after he left saying he wasn't trying to be creepy but we should be friends. We're hanging out tomorrow.
How does this kind of shit happen to you?!
I'm too socially awkward and sexually frustrated to get through this evening sober.
nothing says "fuck you jocks from high school my life is better than yours" like bringing 5 grand in 20s to the bar
Dude you better come get your girl, she's sitting here eating a tub of pasta salad muttering to herself about gypsies.
But I'm currently thinking of all my bad decision making last night and giving myself a time out.
I swear if you help me with this I will eat you out and buy you all the Taco Bell you want.
Do you think if I explain to her I want to have loud, unprotected sex with her sister she'll understand?
Remember when you laughed that I downloaded a “fireplace” station on my Roku? I just woke up butt naked on my couch with my fireplace station playing. So there, guess that shows you. Now excuse me while I go back to sleep in front of my fireplace.
If I told the doordash driver it's national nudity day, think he'd still report me for being topless at the door?
Randomize
