New requirements. My future husband must have a nose ring and wear headbands.
We are no longer friends.
She looks like Sash Grey but sounds like Fran Drescher. Advise.
im shaking like a drug addict and i almost just shat my pants when i sneezed...no more patron for me
and then they started calling me 'Shitshow Shandra', which apparently i took as a compliment.
I can't wait for the 4th. I'll probably get drunk and end up puking all over whichever 18 year old I end up making out with.
I have officially made out with every girl you've made out with, even the random you met on the Mexico flight
Spilled red wine all over my bed. This has to be the fiftieth time ive refused to fall asleep without a drink in my hand
Went to the doctor's today. The lady took one look at my throat and said "oh god"
Too much penis in there.
I don't know if I want to live in a world where i can't fuck an exes brother.
Stoned in a petco on a Saturday. I figured out that ferrets can eat themselves out. Just picture it. Never leaving.
she put on her moms wedding dress and is chugging purple jolly rancher vodka, happy cyber monday
Oh you have the munchies, Dad? That's great and congratulations on the weed but STOP EATING MY APPLE PIE
Hey do you eat chocolate chip pancakes with bacon in?
DO NOT MAIL ME A PANCAKE
Dude you literally tried to cook your phone in the microwave. You were so wasted you asked your mom to help you turn it on.
If you wanna do actual business call my office. If you’re just looking to get laid you need to up your game
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