I can't get out of the parking garage so now I'm staying downtown....Typical
nobody is as good of a wingman as me. i make whoever im with look like mark wahlberg during his underwear model phase
We're stealing the mannequin. He's my new swimming partner.
Sober me is really good at getting to the airport on time. Drunk me is really good at shitting my pants. Do you know how much pants cost at the airport????
It was about the point the universe collapsed in on itself and I was a singularity of insanity that I realized I was tripping balls.
i accidenteley seduced the christian girl's brother so i dont think we can count on free church picnic food again
My rule for unemployment is that I can't smoke before noon.
I haven't gotten up before 1 though, so it hasn't really impacted me.
Seriously I can't get a booty call for some baked goods.
I think I was just hit on by Jesus Christ. This is not okay. Bad Touch. I NEED AN ADULT!
Calm the hell down, it's just stoner Bob.
He took a girl home at like eight, fucked her, kicked her out, came back to the bar, and repeated the process again at 10:30 and 2:30. THREE GIRLS IN ONE NIGHT. ALL PICKUPS. I HATE HIM.
Everything is bullshit and I hate everyone
I've finally done it. I finally achieved my lifelong goal of becoming that awkward lesbian in high school who went on to have sex with more women than any of her male classmates.
dude you know how i got totally hammered and lost my phone at some frat when i came to visit you two months ago? yeah well someone mailed it back to me in minnesota.. with a picture of a cock as the screen savor
I found condoms in the back yard from you and your boyfriend. My house isnt a motel
I'm just trying to figure out the reason why humans wear socks....
Randomize
