i am not above fucking your little sister on your bed
So do you want to come over? ;)
Never again opening up the Pandora's box of crazy that is your vagina. Sorry.
I told him I was pregnant. Figured it would soften the blow of telling him I had herpes.
Did it?
Not as such, no.
No, we just ended up walking around in his pool high and singing songs by The Wiggles.
but the good news is i woke up with 15 dollars in my pocket so i probably sold my phone instead of puking on it
Dude I still wanna know who I had sex with on new years eve
i've really grown. sober me left an alarm for me every 10 minutes that said NO FAT CHICKS!
dude. im stealing that.
Clearly it doesn't get better with age. Just more sexual
I have enough bourbon in me to put Justin's cat in the dishwasher.
I am so sorry for drunk texting you r kelly lyrics
Are you ok?!
I assume I've stopped bleeding because I haven't passed out, but can't verify currently.
You peed in the sink and kept shouting "I'm the black swan! Ca-caw!"
Are you still passed out in my back seat, or do I need to come find you?
He ate me out in a golf cart while I watched the sunset. You are so right, golf skirts do provide amazing access.
The smell of pee and coconut conditioner still makes me think of him
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