fml, blew my nose and red sprinkles came out and did the splits when i sneezed
Dear yesterdays makeup, Thank you for always being there when I stay up late binge drinking on weeknights and am running late to work Friday morning. You're the best.
eww mummy girl is here...
what the fuckk. i just want to hold her down, wax her eyebrows, and give her some morals.
like we started out all organized and composed and within thirty mins people were throwing up in the bushes, arguing over a beer bong and jumping in the pool with their clothes on
After we had sex he bought me grape soda. I think I'll keep him.
Awkward moment #23: reasuring mom that the bf and I aren't having sex as seamen is running down my leg...
I just realized I have yet to puke in your new apartment. Clearly we're doing something wrong. On my way over with Cuervo as I type.
you made sure you came back for your bottle of vodka but didn't remember to take your shoes
You can't possibly imagine how much I miss you. At least I'll always have that hidden folder in my computer.
we should look into getting a golf cart for the weekend. i have a feeling legs wont be a sufficient source of transportation.
At least I made out with him before he made out with that dog...
So his dick was definitely bigger than it looked in all the pictures he sent my daughter.
hypothetically, what's the best method to remove an stray semen gob from a roommate's important school document?
Not only is he funny, he had a REALLY big dick
He's old enough to be your father!
REALLY. BIG. DICK.
I have a lot of money, and no morals. shots on you when you get here.
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