i wanna stay in my bed and fart for a few more hours
Well, if your day started with strippers, then we're tied. Otheriwse, I'm winning.
Well he told me I'd never be a wizard, and so I responded with you'll never have a big penis. After that we both just sat there and cried.
I gave him 3 xanax and recorded the ball drop. He's gonna think tonight is New Years.
I shit you not ... they just advertised a recruiting service for strippers at this concert.
From the same High Brittany who brought you such thoughts as, "Fuck, am I wearing shoes?" Comes High Brittany on a date! Stay tuned. This will be interesting.
There's a guy here who is improvising his own shadow dance on a table against the wall, in case you're wondering how my night is going
Then, right before he came he said "I want to buy you so many things!" What the fuck?!
You only have to pretend to care about soccer until July. HE'S PRETTY DONT RUIN THIS.
Like how hard is it to come up to me with chocolate and wine and say "hey, you're beautiful. Wanna marathon Doctor Who in sweatpants?" Hell yes!
I'm glad our friendship can withstand laughing mid-blowjob during the diarrhea scene in Dumb & Dumber.
She had a baby Jesus butt plug
He gets married Father's Day weekend and I just found out I'm pregnant. What do I do?
I'm sure as hell not getting hoodwinked into going back to rehab again
How are they?
Amazing! These new boobs are going to break blouse buttons and wedding vows!
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