last night this guy was hitting on me by showing me the famous people he had in his contacts on his cell... when he asked me if i knew lindsay lohan, i said "whose that? sounds asian"
On the bright side his mom approves of me. Though it's apparently because she sleeps with married men and has a soft spot for "fellow homewreckers"
Is your answer to that text seriously a right parenthesis
Just come here and visit. Enjoy the deliciousness of me being legal. Just don't think, and come here right meow. meow meow meow.
Dude she hit me with my own penis and it hurt. I've never been cock slapped but she slapped me with my own cock so it has to be worse.
The forecast for tonight is alcohol and low expectations.
You're the only meteorologist I listen to.
He was hammered and shot his pistol into the lawn. Next thing I know sheriffs are at our house with M4s. He likes to party
Why even have a ground level apt if you're not gonna let me climb out the window? I hate walk of shaming in front of toddlers...
I was like, booze is the closest thing I have to a father. Don't pour daddy down the sink
Named all the presidents in order between puke sessions while semi conscious so that's a thing I can do now
What am I even going to do with 20 more jello shots? And don't say give them to the cat
He told me he was gonna go wash a trailer and somehow I ended up eating vodka fruit with children in a green bean field.
There's no triumph quite like finally banging your high school boyfriend 6 years later
This drink tastes like mosquito repellent.
I woke up next to him with nothing on and my thong around his neck. I just put my clothes on and left, but he still has my thong.
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