I wish I could drop acid with the muppets
It was my first time buying condoms at the liquor store... I was nervous and there were quite a few people, so I tried to do it as quickly and quietly as possible. When I got to the Indian cashier, he took one look at them and said loudly, "Ohhh you gonna get it on tonight, ah?!"
I had a dream once that juice was flowing out of my kitchen faucet
I watched the entire movie Forgetting Sarah Marshall before I realized it was in Spanish.
Was behind a guy going 20 for 4 miles I'll be there as soon as the universe quits fucking me
When he sent me a picture, I swear my vag frowned. That tiny.
I WAS JUST SITTING HERE BEING SNIFFED BY ODD WOMEN FOR A SOLID 5 MINUTES. My face was a twist of utter fear and confusion...
First week back and I made to one class, its gonna be okay after all.
There was a group of girls next to us. One was smiling at me. I only remember walking up and saying "oh you're Russian". Not sure where it went from there
He was on top and as he finished he yelled "I love gold" , so yeah I'm seeing him later tonight
I feel as if I need Plan B just being in the same room as them for more than 5 minutes.
So shaving my butt whilst humming "be prepared" is now in my top five weirdest Friday night activities.
DUDE I FINGERED JOE'S MOM, PLS DONT TELL HIM, MORE LATER
I see the guy who's been trying to get me to let him eat my ass became engaged on Facebook today; would framed screen shots be an appropriate wedding present?
Nothing like putting a Percocet up your nose because you spent your night drinking heavily and can't drink water to make you heavily reconsider your life choices
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