Things I find upon waking: a gay man, a straight girl both clad in web bathing suits, a full bathtub, an empyt bottle of jamesons at the bottom and a scuba mask
you definitely have a few illegitimate kids
probs. Not too worried about it though. MOst girls are too embarrassed that they let me into their pants that they'll never admit its mine
Your sister thinks she pees out of her clit. Did you have Sex Ed or Sunday School growing up?
he was fingering me, then looked down and said "i like your socks"
like he couldn't stop by and throw me in the back seat and ask for a blowjob? he had to give me flowers?
110% paid for our cab with a lap dance
This love triangle bullshit is getting out of hand. It's now a love polygon and I want out
I hid a TracFone in her bra. We'll find her tomorrow.
i'm pretty sure you can't sue someone for "Taking a shit on my kitchen floor."
I know you just got bad medical news... But want some moonshine?
I was told I look like trouble once and that was by a fireman at the sex show. I was carrying two beers and a penis pinata.
I just told the bartender to “give me something that will murder me”
My mother expressed her concerns about my drinking via a facebook message.
Theres a free llama on craigslist. Are you in or are you in?
I need to bang the neighbor boy. He’s given three women screaming orgasms this week alone.
Also, my apartment walls are too thin
Randomize
