do you think there was ever a doctor who smelled his finger after giving a prostate exam?
Whyyyyy do my fingers smell like Chinese food.
Ive given up on my natural charms. Im trying different accents till some girl wants to hook up with me.
she asked me if i can do her a favor, came over, and gave me head then left. i still dont understand how that was a favor for her.
I just threw up in the bathroom next to the zebra exhibit. The kids don't know I skipped a beat. Best nanny, ever.
We need to put it on a rope attached to the bong, so it can't be dropped. Apparently, you need a stem safety leash.
do you know where my other puke covered boot is
I feel like I just want to take a shot of jack, have sex, and shoot myself in the face. In that order exactly.
what better way to celebrate the birth of jesus christ than to get embarrassingly intoxicated and make poor decisions!?
i'm gonna friendzone myself so you dont have to
Went to open youtube this morning, and the last search was "ten hours of whale sounds" Best pillow talk ever!
there's a 50/50 chance the night will end in alcohol-induced rituals of satanic nature
im about to bake her parents a "thank you for making such beautiful babies, ive had sex with all 5 of them" cake
I’m at that point in my trip where I’m kinda hot, kinda cold and I have to remember to breathe.
No. I don't like you. I like your penis. Chin up. At least I like part of you.
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