I wish Michael J Fox could read me bedtime stories
He could rock you to sleep
i forgot how awkward it is to meet new people sober
My ferret is drunk. Someone told me you'd know what to do?
I just saw at least a dozen senior citizens on roller blades. way to drunk for this.
And for the fourth year in a row Christmas has ended in tears, yelling and me drinking. This is officially our longest running Christmas tradition.
update: ifinallt managed t5o be in a. Horizontal position without throwing up... the snmall victories.
well, the drug dealer I've been fucking the past 5 months gave me a chilis gift card for Christmas, so things are looking up.
Guess who just got caught by mall security having sex in a car in the parking lot... at noon. This chick.
I found my grandmother's vibrator, how was your day?
why is there a wheelchair in the hall and why does it look like we banged in it?
I am at 99 matches in less than 24 hours, I need a tinder rehab program
He couldn't undo my bra. He ended up breaking the clasp he clawed at it so long. We met on Tinder for God sake
This chick walked up to me in the bar and started making out with me, then grabbed my drink while I wasn't looking and walked off.
So now I'm just going to brush my teeth, get high, and go to sleep. Like an adult
We're at an agreement where I don't pry and she pretends blissful ignorance
Randomize
