Do you have swine flu?
I know my taste in men is not always top notch; however, I don't sleep with swine.
Pigs, yes. Swine, no.
So I went on a date with this girl...and whos our waitress? My girlfriend got a second job she didn't tell me about to afford my bday present.
I'm pretty sure he jizzed in his pants, and no it wasn't even half as funny as that song.
He came on my face and tried to draw out a smiley face because he said I looked like I had a bad day
Is it bad that now when i read ingredients in the food I eat i only read it as shrooms instead of mushrooms ?
I'm not giving my ex her earrings back. If some chick i hated gave me brownies i would still eat them. It's the same thing.
I know I am usually the slut but tonight it's her. She is being a slut, yes slut, T as in Tomorrow, U as in Uterus, L as in Llama and S as in Sangria. That spells slut, but backwards and that's what she is being.
I feel like I shouldn't be doing my banking stoned. But I bought a new bowl. Her name is Sharpe. Pronounced Shar-Pay.
So, your mugshot picture is behind the counter at B-Dubs, with the caption: "not allowed on premesis."
The drugstore has summer clearance. I bought you a little mermaid bucket. Now your hangovers will feel more like childhood adventures.
The cop asked you if you had been drinking and you said you drank milk out of a cow.
I rememeber. I showed him the picture on my phone of me drinking out of the utter, right?
Using a joint as a bookmark. What is my life?
And then we can spend New Year's Day sprawled across the tiles watching greys anatomy and puking into the bushes over the balcony. It'll be great
I think my body knows it's dying and is just shutting down
i think it’s okay to see him. you just can’t wind up with his penis in your mouth again
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