I just told this girl who bought a pregnancy test "good luck"
i totally forgot about the coupon that said i would show him how i pleasure myself.
So as she is about to take the walk of shame she flips out. Apparently someone left a brown present in her shoes.
you know you made some mistakes when your last two boyfriends are both obsessed with women's curling...
she said if I bought her franzia she would blow me, and she would fuck me if I splurged on martini and rossi. Franzia it is
so, I mean this in the straightest way possible, but don't you ever just feel like you owe Jon Stewart a blowjob...
His bond is $50,000..margarita Monday might get cancelled
He just said he was the Jesus of alcoholics.
I think I actually have rug burn on my eye.
I picked the lock on the bathroom door and sang him a song while he pooped. Why is he mad?
He just grabbed my boob and justified it by saying "I just wanna feel your heart beat"
I was going through my settings and the phone randomly started playing "Crazy Little Thing Called Love" by Dwight Yoakum. Out loud. At full volume. I was shitting. There were 3 other people in the bathroom. I love iOS 7.
She caught me by google maps... Lets just say it wasnt her car in front of the house.
Fortunatly we found him, he was on my roof. Unfortunatly, we can't say the same for his pants. Still looking. BRB.
She was topless, yelling this is Sparta, threatening to push her dad into the sewer. I am pretty sure she won't be at school.
Randomize
