so i stopped by cvs on the way home this morning, turns out hallmark doesnt make an im sorry my friend puked on your friend card, call me if were still speaking
Also, i'm pretty sure i've had my birth control pill stuck in my throat since like...two pm. So i'll be practicing safe oral sex tonight.
Using pot as a way to stop crying probably isn't a good sign huh?
Meh, some people pop Prozac, you smoke weed. Po-tay-to. po-tah-to
tell me there's a reason my bed smells like paint thinner
I always "accidentally" drop a condom and make sure she sees it's a magnum. By the time I'm inside her and she realizes how small I am, it's all over in a flash and I'm done. Plus, they never call back so I never have to see the girl ever again. #gratefulforprematuretinypenis
I mean I kinda plunged vagina first into my last relationship
I got frustrated so I just stood up and said take me to bed or lose me forever and banged the first guy who responded show me the way home. Thank you Top Gun.
I beer bonged before it even hit 4 o' clock. Please get on my level homecoming style.
I'm not gonna lie. I'm a little scared.
Good. The Jell-O shots look great.
I shit myself when I came, don't have flu sex
You told me you were trying to learn all the MLB ballparks while you waited for your porn to load.
You left your Xanax bottle in my car. Why is the label all smudged?
I spilled wine on it.
Ever look at an ex and wonder...was I drunk that entire relationship??
Yes, yes I do.
was having sex but got distracted... he instragramed a pic of his crotch
It actually wasn't the first time that a guy I just met ate me out in the back seat of his car in a starbucks parking lot in the middle of the day.
Randomize
