Not only did I see you last night, you had me help you meet women by convincing them you were deaf and only I understood your sign language
you win again, gameday.
then again I'm sitting on a tree stump completely naked in the dark listening to some type of glee soundtrack.
I fell asleep to the sounds of them banging in the next room. It was oddly soothing...
Mom just Facebook checked into an Applebees at 2am. Caption: ''WITH THE BESTIEZ.''
I have your shoes, your bike, and someones blue underwear. Round 2 tonight?
I just want you to know how happy I am that you are circumcised.
She took a crow from her moms Halloween decorations, taped it to her shoulder, went to the bar and made the guys buy a drinks for both her and the crow.
Missing both credit cards and just had a flashback of grinding my nuts on the terrified cab driver for amusement. i am feeling a slight hate for myself right now.
He's my BOYFRIEND but he won't sext me. I'll be like, "tell me how you want to fuck me", and he's like, "I love how we can talk about our feelings". FUCK
ask me again when I'm sobewr aka tuesday
So his roommate walked in on us, went upstairs to tell her bf she has found a new use for the rafters & they must try it.
STOP GETTING GIRLS PREGNANT IN MY BED.
We told the cop that we were playing soccer, in flip flops, and 2:30 in the morning. It was raining and i had board shorts on. He bought it, lets go get drunk
Nobody on Tinder wants to give you a Blumpkin.
Randomize
