i just got offered coke by a strung out pilot. my night just got a lot more interesting.
you kept screaming i cant feel my vagina, it kinda killed the mood.
You're having sex and i just smoked and made oatmeal...i'll give you some time to be jealous
If you dedicate your next bite to me, I'll dedicate my first orgasm to you.
He suggested abortion before I finished the sentence. That was my plan too, but now I feel like should keep it just to prove how big of a dick he is.
I'm honestly too sad to drink and hang out with strippers. This breakup sucks.
Is there a card that says "Sorry I got drunk at your Christmas party and tried to steal your monogrammed hand towels so that I could give you something nice for Christmas"?
I need $500 dollars more than I need a night of dignity... I gonna do it.
Oh that could end badly if you get them mixed up.. you know who I think you should focus on?? THE ONE WITH THE BIG BLACK COCK, just sayin
I just wanted to warn you I have strep throat incase I gave it to that guy we both hooked up with on New Years.
Lift me 50ft in the air like a tow truck but with your penis
How high are you exactly
Do you remember biting my ear and whispering quotes of Pride and Prejudice last night?
I was 100% done.. I used my vibrator while eating cold pizza. Shit was magical.
What! You have to go to class. Otherwise, you're wasting money that could have been spent on weed. Gotta get that shit in perspective.
I got drunk off three vodka cranberry’s and told him to “WWE raw dog me.” Fucking kill me.
It's official, I'm not staying in tonight
What caused that decision?
You only live once
Randomize
