Passed out watching pirates of caribbean with vodka in hand. Woke up to jenna jameson, with vodka gone.
So apparently vaginal secretions are not covered under water damage insurance for my cell phone
Fine then. I'll just do all this coke on my own this weekend and die. It'll be strictly your fault.
Finally considering to keep my landing strip before I have sex.. I feel like It makes me look mature.
i was congratulating myself on not falling down the stairs when i walked into the wall. it's like one step forward, two steps into the fucking wall
You have not lived until you've seen your mother stumble into the house with one shoe on mumbling incoherently about tequila cupcakes.
Show him your tits if he says no
They're not help-me-out-of-jams tits. They're I-fake-people-into-thinking-they-look-good tits.
Someone just got pizza delivered to the liquor store.
The maid moved your bed and found almost 40 used condoms and wrappers. She just looks at me and says "Dave?"
Handcuffs are allowed in carry on luggage :) just checked
I only remember singing the Captain Planet theme song on our way to the bars.
Nice. The Governor's son bruised my vagina.
That's going to be the title of my memoir.
Thank you for deleting me from Instagram. Also, I'm carrying your child. Happy new year!
It's sad that I'm more proud of my Twitter account then my resume
Def don't remember taking those pics I sent you...but it looks like I was in a car? Shit. Looks like my Uber passenger rating just went up exponentially.
Randomize
