I'm playing the sound guy on a porno set
Have you ever seen a midget fist pump? BEST. THING. EVERRRRR.
Just come over and take your pants off. 35 mins tops. You'll be home before midnight cinderella
I'm starting to have hip problems from having my legs spread too often.
Drunkenly auctioned off my bed for 3 tequila shots
my mom and grandma just had a splits competition. slut runs in the family
Hahhaha I literally just rolled outta bed and went to get beer in my pj's and slippers. God I love graduating
I think I'm gonna wear a bikini to our final tomorrow...just so he knows that no fucks will be given on his test
Tell them to carpool to pride, have a 3way, and if one says 'no thanks' just tell em it's not gay if it happened in a 3way!
I had a dream that my roommate walked in on me masturbating and I hissed "I'm not stopping this orgasm train for the likes of you" and just kept going
I don't think my professor is going to remember the Halloween party... or the fact that he made out with a priest.
"I wonder if vinegar is some sort of magical hangover cure" "...no I was definitely still drunk and drinking vinegar because I was thirsty"
This is Ryan, Kristin's husband. I don't know if you meant to send that pic to me at 3am. You may want to call Kristin. Neat piercing though.
grapes are the best munchies food ever cuz like the juice explodes in my mouth and my mouth gets all relieved of dryness. and the skin of the grape is like the food. and theres so many grapes!
someone found a bottle of whiskey in the bushes this morning when they were cleaning before an admissions event. i'm 95% sure it's mine..
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