the spit in my mouth is still 99% not mine.
well we could tame deer to let us ride on them. does that work?
Is it cum slut, cumslut or cum-slut? Sexting, plz advise ASAP
I'm sorry I compared your vagina to nascar
captain cockblock got me again last night so i put a squirrel in his room and jamed the door shut
Just smoked pot with a guy who has apparently been living in the woods for over a month. He just walked out of the woods. This is not real life.
After you threw up you would repeatedly say "napkin" like a siren until somebody got you a fucking napkin.
My mom just called hysterical. She and her sister found my dead grandma's vibrator.
The apple don't fall far from that tree.
Thanks for fingering me to orgasm during Wu-Tang Clan
I'm proud of all of us. Somehow we all survived another Jägerbomb Tuesday
You left me a drunk voicemail of you describing your pizza to me at 2 AM
Also, why does our bed smell like mayonnaise?
The girls said some drunk guy in footie pajamas was asking for me when they opened the doors. I thought we agreed you were gonna stay home and microwave me some bacon.
The REAL engagement ring is the jeweled butt plug.
In other news there's 12 shirtless Korean dudes all trying to jump on a tiny little trampoline so that's entertaining
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