Its 6am. Um if my mom for some reasons asks, you stopped by my house around ten and had some wine with me. She is concerned I drank a whole bottle by myself. Woke me at 6am to interrogate..Thank god my pounding head thinks fast.
PS We had chips too. She is less concerned about the whereabouts of the chips but still a good lie always needs detail.
Just so you know, the bottle of red gatorade is NOT GATORADE. It is definitely someone's puke. I hope nobody else makes the same mistake I did.
My mom's crying. That means it must be Christmas.
So I passed out with my boxers on in the hotel jacuzzi at 5am.. The manager who kicked me out was pretty cute so I left my name and number for her at the front desk. I'm giving it a 50/50 she calls.
Wait, is this the kid that tried catching a bat in your backyard with a flashlight and a ball of tin foil?
The best revenge is living well. Or pooping in his sunroof. Either or
I legitimately had a champagne shower last night at a rave. I was also carrying around two bananas in my pockets like guns. Drunk doesn't even. Begin to explain My night.
I literally just fucked insane clown pussy. 24 yo nut job moonlights at children's parties. Gave me head while still in full clown makeup from my kid's birthday party.
The guy that stalks me just looked out his window and saw me in his neighbor's hot tub. Get your shit ready the fraternity wars are starting.
The only good thing about the sex was that he finally cracked the spot on my back that's been hurting.
The man who almost made us Eskimo sisters is getting married. Of course I'll be your date. We need to toast the end of his sex life!
Good dick will make you do a lot of things… Great dick will make you consider buying a house.
Did you mean to say flashlight? Or did your grandpa really give you a fleshlight for your bday?
I guess you could say the date didn’t go so well since I was drunkenly Snapchatting with my ex by the end of it.
I think my dick has healed enough that we can start having sex again
Randomize
