Gonna post on craigs list missed connections - "I was that really drunk bitch that threw up in your car. I'd like to pay for detailing"
So they discontinued the hummer... Now people will have to go door to door to let others know they're assholes
Just made a makeshift menthol by rolling a listerine strip into a regular cigarette... Poor? Who, me?
I don't have any food so I made a martini so I could eat the olives. Don't tell me I can't think outside the box.
I can't be held responsible for my own vagina. Let's just be honest here.
You called me at 4am shouting drunk shit about Poland and asking me to 'come out and play.' Where the fuck were you?
Poland
Friendly reminder that on the walk home you tripped but instead of falling to the sidewalk, you tried to save it and ended up headbutting my ex-boyfriend in the balls. ILU.
What kind of life do I lead that no one is surprised by the fact that I was watching porn at work with the hot 37 year old?
Just chugged a Bloody Mary in 60 seconds flat. New personal best! Happy Sunday!
I got really upset about missing him last night when I was demonstrating penis sizes of the people I've slept with using a tape measurer to my roommates
I knew deleting his texts was a bad idea and I was right. I just used the last time we talked to help me figure out when I had my last period
I'm pretty sure my munchies are the only reason Good and Plenty is still around
i also remember watching someone vomit off a balcony which was kind of grim
I just got home and spray-tanned my boyfriend. That's the side of relationships they don't tell you about...
He kept saying "i'm lost" while he was sitting on his couch...
Randomize
