Things I find upon waking: a gay man, a straight girl both clad in web bathing suits, a full bathtub, an empyt bottle of jamesons at the bottom and a scuba mask
I just had a cup of orange juice and thought it didnt taste right. It didnt have vodka in it.
he used his one phone call on me and it said "you have a collect call from- LETS GET IT- at the montgomery county jail".
Why does he only make me orgasm when I'm about to break up with him?
There's always the 'not have sex with the drunk girl I just met at some party' option.
That was the plan but Tequila showed up at the party too.
The background of my phone is you taped to the wall wearing a cowboy hat
Tinkerbell just flew up to me and tickled my balls. What the fuck did we smoke?
We stayed up until 4:20 AM. The next thing I remember was waking up at 4 PM, like my internal alarm clock knew.
There are very few times i will succumb to laying naked on my bathroom floor. But lastnight is a resonable enough cause.
She roared AMY HORNEY and hulk hoganed her shirt off. Fuckin marriage time bro
Remember that time you came over to my house and I was on the porch naked and eating peanut butter?
I swear I can't go out anymore. It's like he put a GPS in my dick. I don't know if I should feel awkward or proud...
Stop calling my penis "Fat Jesus"
You called your ex, and talked to her for an hour about how you miss her, came back inside and asked the girl with the biggest tits if you could take a pic with your face in them and sent her the picture.
Literally I woke up the other day and the girl part of me was like “GET CUFFED MOTHERFUCKER” and I went ham on tinder.
Randomize
