M and I are hungry and we are making your pizza in the fridge. But you're having sex and we're not so we dont feel bad.
could you grab mr moo while you're at his apt?
you brought your stuffed animal to a booty call?
Remind me to tell you about the dream where im a fighting a super hero whose only weakness is sunkist.
please don't let me die tonight
what have you done for me lately?
The last thing I remember is funneling tequila out of a pink noodle.
Whenever there is a ShotSki involved, I have no excuse but to drink, right? It's like a rule.
She asked if I could convince him so shave that shit off his face so he'll have a snowball's chance in hell of getting laid.
I also love beards. The playoffs are like christmas for my vagina.
You are my mentor.
I drank wine out of a protein shake bottle last night. You may want to rethink that statement.
Fell twice in five points. on my face. literally during a cross walk. The cars just went around me. 21st birthday memories right there
When you're high, you dance like an injured velociraptor.
I just remember yelling "BODY SHOTS BODY SHOTS BODY SHOTS" while I was streaking
Just found the measuring tape in my bathroom. How drunk could I have possibly been on Saturday?!
Floor bacon is actually really good
woke up with 4 bruises, 2 hickies and a bad case of rug burn. texans are dangerous.
Randomize
