Just got a script for 120 vicodin with 6 refills. I feel like michael jackson.
I could make treat bags
if i see another status about New Moon, i'm gonna punch a baby
no ping pong balls so we're playing beer pong with an ornament. you can't tell me that's not festive.
you walked into the kitchen holding the skyy bottle and asked us "how do i warm this?"
He freaked out when I started to orgasm. He said he never knew girls could orgasm too.
Apple trackpads and semen don't mix. On the way to the Apple Store.
Lets go see if some hobos will give us a prostate massage for a 40 ounce.
Your engaged. Stop telling guys you will sit on their face. They don't always know your kidding.
Just showered now I smell like berries instead of shame
To tired for the bar. Came home and drank wine out of the bottle. Kind of don't want to know what that says about my life.
found a better reason to procrastinate than the usual sunday-don't-give-no-fucks. literally every one of my textbooks is soaked in captain. can't turn a page without gagging.
I think there's an ice cream truck out back, but there's no way I can get pants on in time to catch it
I sat on the bathroom floor yelling "hell hath no fury!" for about 20 minutes.
It's definitely revenge time.
Ur here to start shit and I'm here to light that shit on fire
I can't wait to see you again. It will be like when we first started dating- but with less clothes.
Randomize
