sometimes i wish i was able to text my cat and tell him i miss him and that i'm thinking about him
I wish everyone could be as happy as the people in the laxative commercials.
If I've learned one thing today? Blow jobs get you to state championships.
Alright. Who did it? Who's bangin' the ump?
she said she missed her period, but is going to six flags... think im safe?
So stoned I forgot I was masturbating and went to go get a cookie.
I can make a handprint turkey for extra credit in history. I feel like the word college should be in quotes on the school letterhead.
u sent me just one boob. one just doesnt do it for me. u dont get full on a half a rack of ribs u need a full one
She told me I was lying in front of her toilet for an hour saying "lasers."
I cannot believe I said bareback movement...
I thanked her dad for "firing off a good one" when she was conceived. She said thats why he doesnt like me.
We're just Facebook friends. Use guy logic. I tapped your wife in high school, 20 years and 60 lbs ago, when she was hot and experimental. Why would I mess with that now? It would ruin the vivid memories of her that I keep in my spank bank.
I will find you...
Sex obviously provides more sustenance than oatmeal.
I think he has some internal "man stuff" that keeps getting in the way.
Like alcoholism and general douchbagary.
Well, he pretended he was climbing me like he was a monkey and I was a tree during sex.
Today I saw someone riding a horse on the sidewalk by aldi when I went to walmart. Old town road was playing on the radio. It was perfect.
Randomize
