Dude, totally just found out that I've been washing my hair with semen for the past 3 weeks.
my mom found all the used condoms in my bed side table
whatd she say to you?
no words- put them all in a circle, put the bible in the middle
First day at work... I clogged up the office toilet on purpose to assert my dominance.
ive got a scarf tied around my face holding bags of hashbrowns to it, im too boss to care
Yeah well I used to see how many bud lights I could slam down during the pledge of allegiance, my record was 4, but I could do better now.
Just ate a whole pizza by myself. Wearing my indian headdress again. its really cool with the french braids. I look like fucking pocahontas or some shit.
Highlight of the week: I had sex with a B movie star wearing an eye patch.
Its Nebraska, I'm sure im not the first person to wake up hungover in a corn field.
The bottle of Jameson may have been a bit aggressive for a Sunday cookout.
Hey where the fuck is the rest of my beer? Lets start this day off right
My life has come to reading articles about dating an ex heroin addict. I'm doing well.
that's the first time I've heard "shenanigans" and "apocalypse" in the same sentence
Fine I'll cuddle you but only for the purpose of trying to survive
I wasn't going to drink tonight, but was reminded this is the anniversary of prohibition being repealed. If I don't, then I am against my profession of bartending and anti-American, right?
Can I borrow your pants?
WTH?
Just come to the men’s room and help me. The blonde bartender figured out I’m married. Rachel will definitely notice if come home pantsless
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