I just put anything in between my legs and hope for the best.
mom just called and i was mid bong hit but i answered anyways coughing and sounding rough she the apologized for waking her little angel up. its 2PM
You told me I was special while we were having sex and I asked why.
What did I say?
Don't ask me questions while I have an erection,
i'm drunk and confused. there might be a 4 year old here.
Then he told me he was proud of me for remembering that i blew him that night.. Maybe my drinking is getting out of hand.
So we just left her at the hospital. She is not ruining my Monday night
I hooked up with some guy to get over my ex last night. I was terrified until we started doing naked pushups.
You made her yell her own name while you were fucking so that you would remember it in the morning.
I just sold my hat for three car bombs. I call that a win.
If I could run through a field of Reece's and Oreos, dive off a milkfall into a bowl of cereal. My Life would complete.
Let's celebrate that I used a condom
Please tell me those naked pics were not your mom. Lie if you have to.
Do you ever get so high you're like vibrating
His pet bird was perched ON HIS DICK.
I think we have some hyper-understanding of each other when drunk, because looking back at our text convo from last night, they were literally just jumbled letters.
Randomize
