There's an old bald Japanese dude on the metra next to me. He's drinking MGD on a crowded train, and rocking out way too hard to what may be the same Dallas Green song I'm listening to. Life is sweet.
got high and went straight for the Doritos. I'm some kind of walking cliche.
We need to either drink and not go to waffle house or go to waffle house and not drink. I need to know which is causing these shits.
well as my mentor always said, "Don't antagonize the man whose penis gives you multiple orgasms."
I feel like a great embryo-shaped weight has been lifted off my shoulders.
About to fuck some random fraternity guy I met at a party. I guess this would be the right time to say I don't want to be with you anymore.
Are you awake? Because I would like to know whether or not I should refrain from giving my evil laugh when I enter the apartment...
I'm concerned that this blind man on the bus has a boner right now
This is what my life has come to. Drinking champagne alone yelling at the dog because no one wants to hang out with me
So you don't take a regular pic with her, but you take a selfie with her ass. Interesting...
Great. I broke up with him before he could like my selfie, now I'm down a like.
we need to tell them stories about when happens when we're sober so they think they know what they're in for when they're actually completely unprepared for whn happens when we get drunk
The cops high fived after they tackled you
What??! Dude I'm not having you barging in at like 2 am smelling of cigarettes and disappointment to sleep on my couch and then have an awkward morning with my wife while I'm at work.
Touché sir
Girl in front of me just swan dove into the middle of the carpeted hallway, stood up, clapped for herself, and then continued walking. My life is complete.
Randomize
