Maryland truck stops are full of people with killer mustaches
just got drunk at a party with Christmas themed solo cups.. holidays are officially here.
she complimented my bra when we were hooking up. this lesbian thing has its upsides
the cool security guard showed me the video clip of how i sat criss-cross-applesauce on the elevator for 20 minutes last night
And then i had a penis in each hand. It was magical.
my sober ride is dancing w/ a fat girl. i might be awhile
I will pee on everything he values.
Excuse me while I download incredibly disturbing porn until I'm more ashamed of myself than of my country.
He pushed a skinny white blonde out of the way just to tell me "you have the finest ass, like ever."
I have never loved a nerdy white boy this much.
I've got a 90 day supply of amoxicillin in case of zombie or chlamydia outbreak
Also, it was so cold in that bathroom that I saw my crap steaming, a first in my life
Did I, at any point last night, say I was dying?
I legit just quacked out loud at a duck on campus. Realized after that there were people around me, they looked at me funny...
They were out of watermelon smirnoff, so we got you a fifth of 5 o'clock and an actual watermelon.
Don't worry about it too much, but I just committed us to possibly raising a kid
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