He's so far in the closet he's in Narnia
i feel like even strangers are annoyed with me because of how drunk i was last night
Puked in a plastic neiman Marcus bag while driving. My biggest accomplishment yet
I know I said I wouldn't, but he told me I looked like Mila Kunis. Reasons not to fuck him, go.
You're doing that 'overestimating how much I care' thing again.
She's the drunk girl with the air-horn and sunflower seeds.
I will not fill you in on the details until we get back, so do not ask. I got peed on by the girl I was hooking up with last night.
Ummmmm okay let's be incredibly straightforward. Hi there. My bed's at half capacity this evening. How'd you like to fill it up?
So I hear you're taking over showing your penis responsibilities now that I'm gone?
Would you be mad if I just used the argument "I'm allowed to say that, my best friend is a lesbian"?
Never. I'm proud to help you win arguments.
Found a phone out last night at the bar. EPIC homemade porn vids on it!
But in defense of this shit summer we've had, I totally perfected my shotgunning skills. I have achieved my summer goal.
Now we're discussing the sex we had and the later lack thereof. It's like marriage counseling via snapchat.
I'm twenty nine years old, now is not the time to start trying new drugs. I need a hedge fund...not another drug-induced hangover.
I Woke up still tied to the bed. I would say, it was a good night!
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