GOOD IDEA: Stealing the bike a couple blocks away so I don't have to walk. BAD IDEA: riding bike for the first time in years drunk as hell. I'm bleeding and my body hurts and once again I can't find my car.
Just found out Brianna Frost the Pornstar goes to my school. Makes that $35,000 tuition that more valuable.
He took me by the hand and ordered me to make him vodka soup.. I think I like him?
hey you forgot your wet suit in my room you can come grab it whenever
It's a long way off yet but I've started planning my eviction party. Be prepared, it includes jungle juice.
Best part of having a window in your office is that you can leave through it when you shit your pants at work.
We made out a little and then he gave me some weed. I would say it was a pretty productive stop on my way home
You might have been able to redeem yourself had you not referred to grandma as "this bitch".
That explains the hand print on my face. That old lady knows how to throw a punch.
I just want to trick people into going on dates with me so they can bring back to their houses and let me use their wifi.
drunk me cartwheeled over a turtle sandbox & slit my foot open on a cinder block. how do you explain that to a doctor?
Fuck this. I'm adopting 12 cats and naming them after the 12 disciples. Maybe Jesus will have sympathy for me then.
Cats are difficult to handle. Also they are impossible to baptize.
well, shes hot as hell, but she does keep saying she's the president of the loch ness monster's fan club, so that's kinda a red flag...
You were so fucked you introduced me to a pile of Laundry
I wondered why I slept in the front room
Shit. My boss is having me meet and greet with the new doc upstairs. Do you think his doctor powers will detect that I'm still high?
Randomize
